5 Things Not to Say to a Coworker with ADD/ADHD (and What to Say Instead)
For better or for worse, the adage, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it” is true.
While nobody is perfect, professionals with ADD/ADHD have it especially tough. (Side note, for simplicity I’m going to refer to both ADD and ADHD as simply “ADHD”.) ADHDers are perpetually a day late and a dollar short. They (okay, we) are no strangers to bonehead mistakes and faux pas. They (we) have a remarkable ability to appear both lazy and rushed, sometimes simultaneously! So it’s no secret that ADD/ADHD leads can lead to problems in the workplace.
It’s also no secret that many people don’t grow out of it. In fact it is estimated that 4.4 % of adults have ADD/ADHD.1 That’s a lot of adults in the workforce! And yet as common as ADHD is in adults, it’s still very much misunderstood, leading to frustration for everyone involved. However it doesn’t have to be frustrating. In fact a little bit of finesse can go a long way. At best you can inspire your team to perform at the fullest. At worst it may help you avoid a discrimination lawsuit waged against you.
Here are 5 things not to say to someone with ADD or ADHD and what to do instead.
1. “Doesn’t everyone have a little bit of ADD?”
What you are (probably) trying to say: “I’m concerned we as a society are medicalizing and pathologizing normal human behaviors.”
What the ADHDer is (probably) hearing: “You’re no different than the rest of us, so don’t expect any special considerations.”
Do this instead: Choose your battles. Unless you’re an epidemiologist who studies the prevalence of ADHD for a living, this sort of commentary isn’t particularly helpful in the workplace. What is helpful is working with fellow employees and team members to leverage their strengths and use their strengths to problem solve any situations that arise.
2. “I’m not interested in hearing excuses.”
What you are (probably) trying to say: “Even though I empathize with you, we need to be professional and get the job done.”
What the ADHDer is (probably) hearing: “I don’t care that you have ADD/ADHD”
Do this instead: You can be result-oriented and address any concerns simultaneously. Collaborate with your employee / co-worker / teammate to better understand precisely what the barriers are and how to overcome them. Be open minded and curious. Inquire if there are any tools or skills or support that could be provided to help the employee be more professional and timely.
3. “I wish I could take Adderall. I would be so productive!”
What you are (probably) trying to say: “I wish I could get a large boost in productivity simply by taking a pill”
What the ADHDer is (probably) hearing: “You’re using performance enhancing drugs to give yourself an advantage.” Or, “Can you hook me up with some of your pills?”
Do this instead: Be mindful that ADHD wreaks havoc in all aspects of life, not just meeting productivity deadlines. Also be mindful that ADHD medications come with lots of strings attached including having to go to doctor appointments, and dealing with both annoying and potentially serious side effects. Finally, hopefully this goes without saying but never ask to take someone else’s prescription medications. Not only is it illegal but there could be serious consequences for all involved. If you think you have ADHD and would benefit from medication, go about it the right way and find a qualified, competent medical professional to guide you.
4. “Can you work on thinking about what you want to say before you speak?”
What you are (probably) trying to say: “It can be challenging to communicate with you because of your communication style.”
What the ADHDer is (probably) hearing: “Be quiet and let the grown-ups talk.”
Do this instead: Rest assured that ADHD co-worker knows they are need to do a better job of filtering their thoughts before speaking. They’ve been told this a million times since childhood and they’ve almost certainly have worked on it before. Instead, find ways to tactfully redirect such as politely reminding the employee of deadlines, or asking that they save an tangential comments or concerns until the end. Also structure meetings and check-ins to be efficient (everyone would appreciate that!).
5. “Calm down!”
What you are (probably) trying to say: “Calm down!”
What the ADHDer is (probably) hearing: “Calm down!”
Do this instead: This goes for everyone, not just people with ADHD, though people with ADHD often feel their emotions strongly and get worked up quickly. The phrase “calm down” is rarely effective at actually calming people down and quite often makes things worse if the sentiment comes as condescending. A good start would be to point out the emotion you are observing. It could be as simple as “You seem upset/excited/passionate about this!” A little bit of reflection goes a long way and gives the other person an opportunity to recognize that they are getting carried away and reign it in themselves. If you think a teammate is overreacting, ask what they are most concerned about. Maybe they picked up on something you missed. There may be times when you need to quickly lower the emotional energy in a room. In those cases simply find an alternative way of phrasing “calm down” that doesn’t use those words. Often a simple “Big T” timeout gesture does the trick.
By definition, people with ADHD have symptoms that are worse than expected for their age and developmental level. Nobody likes looking weak or dumb, and yet that’s often what happens, especially when a well meaning co-worker intervenes with what they think are innocuous comments. However with a little bit of reframing and support, people with ADHD can flourish in all kinds of environments.
References:
Kessler, R. C., Adler, L., Barkley, R., Biederman, J., Conners, C. K., Demler, O., Faraone, S. V., Greenhill, L. L., Howes, M. J., Secnik, K., Spencer, T., Ustun, T. B., Walters, E. E., & Zaslavsky, A. M. (2006). The prevalence and correlates of adult ADHD in the United States: results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. The American journal of psychiatry, 163(4), 716–723.
